Christmas Tradition

For Christmas dinner we had my uncle over. Sometime during the night the conversation turned to video games and our favorites for the Xbox. We discussed Halo and Call of Duty and Guitar Hero and finally started talking about Left 4 Dead. For those of you who don't know, Left 4 Dead is a first person shooter game that follows four survivors of the zombie apocalypse. You have to shoot your way through several levels to get to a safe house.

Anyway, my uncle said that he had never played it before and I excitedly told him we had to play before he left. Mom, not saying anything up until this point looked up and said, "Maybe after Christmas dinner we can kill things."

I don't know about everyone else but I will happily make killing zombies a part of my Christmas tradition. And so that is my Quote of the Day.  

Holiday Weight Gain

Other women hate my mom because no matter how much junk food she eats she never seems to gain any weight. After getting a HUGE order of chili cheese fries at Tommy Burger, she passed a few guys waiting in line. One turned to the other and said, "I wish my wife could eat like that and look like her." The whole weight gain thing has become a big joke in the family.

Mom, dad and I went out to get donuts. (Odd how my last few stories about been about going to a donut shop) After getting a dozen donuts to share between the three of us mom made sure that she claimed all of the cream filled ones. I made a little side comment about how I couldn't believe that either of us wasn't 500 pounds because of all the junk we eat. Looking back at me, donut in hand she said, "What?? I haven't gained a single pound this holiday season! I have to catch up with the rest of America."

And so that is my Quote of the Day

Rude words

On the same trip to the donut shop we encountered several people who can't seem to drive worth a damn. It makes me wonder how these people got licenses in the first place. After a while a comment was made about bringer "the finger" out to at least let these people know they are being complete idiots. To this comment my mother proudly replied, "No rude hand gestures! *pause* Only rude words."

Makes me happy that mom at least recognizes the fact that we may not be able to hold back the swearing when dealing with these people.

And so that is my Quote of the Day

Liquor

Mom, Dad and I were driving around town to find a donut shop. As we were on the way we passed several shops and stores that had recently opened that we hadn't known about. Turning around a corner mom looked out the window and cried, "I FOUND THE LIQUOR STORE!"

Now the thing you have to understand is, I live in Utah. Most other places in the country you can find a liquor store on every other block. In Utah, you are lucky if you can find one or two in the entire county. The thing that makes this even funnier is that none of us drink. O.o

And so that is my Quote of the Day

Jokes

I know I haven't posted a new Quote in a long time and I do have a few I need to post but this one comes first. Unfortunately, it will be very general.

The Quote of the Day: "Thats what she said."

Over the past few months things have become a little odd. Mom has now become even better in her "thats what she said jokes" then she was previously. Nothing we say is safe anymore which makes life at home a whole lot more amusing. I truly cannot write down all of the instances the joke has been used even in the past few days. But know, that they were very funny.

Poetry and Cats

So, my family has been trying to convince my dad to let us get another dog. Right now we only have one because my other dog died in April. We have the one we want picked out and everything and she is only a few weeks old. I was telling this story to my friend Lewis who said that we should get a cat instead. There are a few problems with this.

1. My dog would likely eat a cat. 

2. My sister is allergic to cat hair.

3. And my mom hates them. 

None of these things seemed to be a problem until we hit #3 in which Lewis seemed to be appalled that my mom would hate cats. He jokingly said that they couldn't be friends anymore. I told my mom this story and she laughed and yet again, came up with a Haiku on the spot:

Friends no more

Found out you like cats

Litter box

I still can not figure out how she can come up with these things without really thinking about it. And so that is my Quote of the Day. 

Names

My Aunt Jill just got this beautiful new English Mastiff. He is only 15 months old and already weights more then I do. Even though my aunt lives in another state, my entire family so was excited for them to get this new dog and we can't wait to go see him. 

My aunt bought him and decided to keep his original name which is Tucker. I saw no problem with this until my mom found out that they kept the name. To which she exclaimed; "I can't believe Jill kept the name Tucker for the new dog! It rhythms with so many....fun....words."

Honestly, this thought hadn't even entered my head until she said this and now I have to agree with her. I don't care if Jill keeps the name, the biggest challenge now will be to not say anything in front of her two young daughters.

Airports

This post will be short, simple and to the point.

Mom flew out to Colorado this morning for a work trip. After she arrived at the Denver airport she texted me and wrote, "Note to self: Airport security does not like it with you have your cell phone in your bra."

Oh dear. I still do not have the entire story on this one but I had to share it.

Poetry

In truth this happened several years ago but this was one of moms 'shining' moments and she actually requested this be on my blog. I guess she is very proud of this quote. At the time I was learning about different types of poetry. I think I must have been in 6th or 7th grade. Haiku's are particularly easy because you just have to count syllables so I didn't mind doing them.

My mom and I ended up having a great time coming up with little Haiku's that follow the 3,5,3 rule. I had been told that lots of Haiku's have to do with nature. When I made this known my mom with out hesitation came up with this:

Nature sucks
Bird crap smells real bad
BB Gun

I'm not sure which is more impressive. The fact she did this on the first try with no syllable mistakes or the fact she pulled this from no where. Either way, I wrote down and found it recently because we couldn't remember what the first line of her old Haiku. It became a joke for a long time concerning mom's poetry. Not long later she wrote this one about her self but put it in my perspective:

My mom is a dork
How do you spell 'ignorant'
She is really blond

And so that is my Quote of the Day

Stupid People

I guess this post isn't like the other ones. This one isn't a quote where my mom didn't think about it first, or was ironic. Its just plain truth.

I was driving to school today in some pretty heavy traffic when I looked in my rear view mirror to see a cop pulling someone over. Well, right now all of Utah is under contruction.....as always. So when the lady he was pulling over finally makes it over to the far right lane, directly in front of me I might add, she tries to stop in lane itself because there isn't any shoulder. Just big barriers. I had to slam on my brakes and them make room for the cop to get ahead of me as well. So at this point I'm going about 20mph on the freeway and of course no one is going to let me over into the other lane. After much frustration the cop gets the lady to pull forward far enough up the road where there some new lanes have just been paved but not yet open to traffic. She quickly drives onto the unused lanes....and then goes right back into traffic again!

And I might mention that the cop ended up hitting one of those huge orange cones in the process of pulling this woman over. So at least that was a laugh.

After finally getting off the road and stopping I was able to go on my way. Once I got to school I had to call mom and tell her about the 'idiot story o the day'. She calmly replied, "Stupid people like that shouldn't be allowed to leave the house without a helmet." I don't know why this struck me as so funny but it did. :)

Thanking God

So, growing up in a mormon family I had to get use to all the weird activies I had to go to, or lack there of if we felt lazy. Just a quick background for this story. In our church you are in a Ward which is the people in your area you go to church with. In Utah it covers about two or three blocks because there are so many bloody mormons here. After that, you have a Stake which is all the Wards in the area. Here they usually cover a city or at least part of a city. Twice a year we are suppose to get together for "Stake Conference" and listen to all the district leaders speak and all that stuff. So during those times, you don't have to go to your normal church.

(Sorry for the long intro)

Anyway, so a few weeks back it was Stake Conference. Now, at my house Stake Conference has turned in the "Yah! No church today!!" kind of a day. Sleeping in and eating donuts for breakfast or something. So this past Stake Conference my entire family was pretty much just hanging around the kitchen eating with the TV on. Still in her pajama's my mother proudly exclaimed, "Thank God for Stake Conference."

I found this very ironic and it took me several moments to stop laughing. She was thanking God for the few sunday's out of the year that she doesn't have to go worship him....or whatever. Once I explained this to her she thought it was just as funny as I did.

And so that is my Quote of the Day

Star Trek

One of the classes are I am taking this semester is British Literature and it has quickly become my favorite class. I have very much enjoyed reading William Wordsworth. My favorite poem by him so far as been We Are Seven and if you haven't read it I strongly suggest you look it up.

Anyway, I was on my way to school with my mom when I was trying to explain the things I had been reading in this class. However I think she was only half listening because when I said "We Are Seven" she exclaims "Like in Star Trek?? Like the borg??"

After I got laughing I had to explain yet again what I was talking about. She felt very embarrassed and I won't let her live it down.

So that is my Quote of the Day

Typhoid Mary

There isn't a really good back story to this quote. I got called upstairs this afternoon to be asked a question by my mother. That question was, "What disease did Typhoid Mary spread?"

I had to just look at her with an disbelieving face. Really? Did you just ask me what disease TYPHOID Mary spread. At long last I said Typhoid Fever. As soon as I gave my answer mom couldn't stop laughing over her inability to think about what the name "Typhoid Mary" meant.

So that is my Quote of the Day

Oh, and for those of you who don't know who Typhoid Mary is, I suggest you go look it up on Wikipedia. Because Wiki is amazing. :)

Old people

The worst part of driving is the stupid people on the road, and Utah has horrible drivers. For the past three days there has been an accident in the same exact spot in the freeway involving drivers following too close.  Its understandable why we get so annoyed with these people and every once in a while we let the colorful language fly. Which usually ends up sounding funnier then we mean it too.

Just the other day mom and I were in the parking lot at the mall and this lady in a large SUV pulls out in front of us without bothering to check the lanes first. Mom quickly stops the car and goes to yell at the driver but pauses. The driver of the other car see's us, waves and we can tell she is saying sorry.

Despite a driver saying sorry both mom and I are still annoyed. So when mom didn't yell a cuss at this driver which I could see forming on her lips I asked her why. As we pull forward again mom explains that there is had been an elderly lady in the passenger seat. "I hesitate to say "@#%& you" at a driver when there is an old person in the vehicle."

So that is my Quote of the Day

Sign Language

So, this semester I am taking a beginning ASL class. I know a little from when I was younger because my elementary school had a girl that was deaf. Her translator would go around a teach every class a little so we could at least say hi to her. After that I always wanted to learn ASL.

Anyway, I was showing my mom a few things I had learned. Its just a beginning class but I never learned to sign the colors or anything. We started talking about the different signs and how to use them. Suddenly she pauses and asks about people with more then one disability. Like both deaf and blind. I explain that blind/deaf has their own alphabet.

After another short pause she asks, "What if you are deaf but only have one hand!?!? You wouldn't able to sign! Thats like only having one lip!"

I have to wonder how her brain comes up with these kinds of thoughts.

And so that is my Quote of the Day

Ego

Before my mom goes anywhere she usually has to ask at least one of her daughters if she looks alright. To make sure the shirt looks good with the pants, that the shoes match and that she is wearing the same colored earrings...she did that once. Wore two different colored earring during a meeting at work. She didn't notice until she got home and I've never heard a scream of horror like that.

But anyway, mom, not sure if she was looking the way she wanted, turned to my youngest sister (who I shall call Paiz) and asked, "Do I look my age?"

Paiz, looked her up and down and told her proudly that she did not. And in fact looked several years younger then she really was.

Hugging Paiz my mom responded happily, "You have now sufficient stroked and appeased my ego. Thank you!" And went on with whatever she was doing.

And so that is my Quote of the Day.

Maroon 5

I guess this first post should actually be labeled "Things My Mother Does". I was not actually there for this event but my sister was and this happens often so its easy enough to picture. My mom and my younger sister who I say call K, where heading back from work/school. They stopped at the gas station on the way and just as they pulled up to the pump Maroon 5's song Misery came on the radio. Every window in the car was rolled down.

Now, at this point in the story my mom looks at me and says, "You know how I don't realize how loud I'm being sometimes."

As she dug around in the car for her purse, she proudly began to sing to Maroon 5...loudly. When she looked up again K was giggling. The car about two pumps away had four college guys in it. They weren't laughing or anything, they were just staring.

She stopped singing, and they quickly drove away.